Justice is His name

“God doesn’t want you to be hungry for a cause. He knows it’s happening. But He is jealous for my heart to be drawn not by a cause but Him. The greatest justice is for Him to be known in your heart. To have an allegiance to a man named Jesus. To make a change in the world, we must walk in spirit, and not flesh. Greatest act of justice was his breaking US out of our own broken state. There is no one who wants justice more than Jesus. He is Justice. He is the one and only judge. Injustice will end when He returns, where will You be? Know that the cry for Justice is cry for Jesus. To understand justice, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit, know Jesus the Justice, receive the Father’s love in this fatherless generation, and be grounded in the word of God. Before you can do anything, God wants you to know who are in HIM!”

Speaker Marcela Garcia of Bound4Life shared these beautiful words at a seminar about Justice this past weekend at Collide Ladies Conference. http://thecollide.com/wr2013/index.html

God broke my heart all over again.

In my sinfulness, I can so easily get caught up in my own zeal, blind from His perfect will and way.
Thankfully, He constantly reminds me that all good in me is the result of His unending grace.

If His Grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

Seizures

In June 2009, I took my first visit to the ER from having a seizure.

From then to January 26 of 2012, I had multiple seizures in the span of every one to three months. Since end of 2011, I received promises of healing and kept claiming it as a FACT. In December 2011, I gave a testimony in front of hundreds about how God healed me from seizures. I had it again in January 2012, but my faith in His healing power did not waver. I laughed it off because I knew it was the Enemy’s last taunt to make me worry, fear, and doubt.

I remember having such bad migraines that I couldn’t do anything, I just sat, waiting for them to disappear. I remember visiting my neurologist and feeling so out of place because all the other patients were elders in their 50+’s. I remember being hospitalized for a week before college. I remember almost having gone through bone marrow surgery. I remember the humiliation, the pain, and the agony…

But I’m glad to say these things are things of the PAST. “The Old has gone. The New has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

It’s been over ONE whole year and I claim that I am COMPLETELY healed. It’s the truth. God has broken off the chains of illness. He washes me daily again and again with his healing blood. Through the 3 years of being “ill,” God brought so much internal healing in my life that allowed me (for the first time in my life) to taste freedom and walk in confidence.

I’m again waiting and praying for a breakthrough.

I don’t have this yet, but God keeps telling me “You already have it. Just claim it in my Name.” So I choose to believe. I’m crying inside in joy because I already taste the reward in my spirit. It’s so near. It’s just the matter for me to catch the unseen and claim it in my present.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

Best friend

Best friend.

People toss around this word about the person whom they lived and continues to live life with. The one person who knows their secrets unknown to many, shares inside jokes and intimate memories with… The list goes on.

The truth is I never had a best friend.

For the most of my life, I moved from one friendship to another. It was so easy for me to connect to people, but once I made an attachment to one person, the relationship was cut off soon after, if not immediately. Looking back, they were temporary connections that did not dig deeper beyond mutual, but shallow interests and morals. From the series of these friendships over a number of years, I grew a void in my heart. I found it easy to give my heart to someone after a moment of bonding, but the hurt would be that much greater when that person leaves my life.

Over the years, I lost trust in the concept of a best friend. I don’t think there is such thing as one. Or at least not amongst men. The friendship I found in my heavenly Father revived the concept in my life. As I began to build a relationship with the Lord as my best friend, I found so much more stability in my relationships with people from the ability to see and love them with His love.

People say one of the ways they receive God’s love is through His children. It’s true.

Ever since the start of college, I befriended so many wonderful people. They came in and out of my life and left an imprint that embbeded into who I am now. After three years of meeting people and building relationships, I am left with handful of brothers and sisters who I know I will run the race of life with.

I’ve never felt happier.

To be honest, I was never surrounded by a group of people whom I felt like I could be myself (not just the normal side, but the craziest to the stupidest) around and speak what I truly feel in my heart without having a slight second of worry about how they may see or even judge me. But these brothers and sisters know the deepest cuts and greatest victories of my heart after many months or years of together laboring in prayer, shedding tears, and sharing sins and secrets and struggles unrevealed for years. They laid hands on me during the brutal seasons, laughed with me in the joyous moments, and simply embraced me in silence when no other words can express their love and care for me. They uplift, encourage, and challenge me in ways I never experienced in my relationships before college.

The love I receive from them is so mind-boggling to me. It’s just plain weird sometimes. I randomly have these thoughts going through my head: “man, I don’t know how they deal with me… I can be so unlovable.” But regardless of the doubts in my mind, I still know they love, accept, and embrace me for who I am. The only answer that rings in my heart is.. the Father’s love. It’s so strange to me. For the most of my life, I pushed away people so easily if they began to hurt me despite how close I have become to them. It was so easy for me to adjust to a new friendship to recover from the other. But now God has placed specific brothers and sisters in my life whom I know I will run the race of life with. It’s not a mere guess or thought, but a deep conviction that rises from within. I just know that I will work, serve, and love with them for the rest of my life… or until Jesus returns. And that conviction brings me so much joy. Because that is just an evidence of the ever-increasing love of God in my life.

Last year, God placed a seed of challenge in my heart. He challenged me to pursue my friendships with His sacrificial and selfless love. At first, I missed God’s intention to not only solidify my community, but to bring healing from my past in this process. Recently His intentions have become clearer and I feel an increase of His Grace in my life. I love the challenge of loving not only parts of people, but also their whole. Before I brushed off friendships when I faced their weaknesses and shortcomings – a reflection of my insecurities and fears. But now by God’s Grace and Love that overflows, I am able to love and persevere and learn with the people in my life. Through loving, I feel the gaps between my and my Father’s heart closing in as I feel His heartbeats ringing louder against mine. It’a a beautiful process that equate miracles.

Sadly though, we are all human. We’ll make mistakes and hurt one another. And even my closest beloved sisters and brothers will never fully know my heart, as I will never know theirs. They know parts of me, but will never understand the fullness of my past, present, and future. There is only one person who falls into this category.

My God, Lord, Abba Father… my Best friend.

He is the only one who will completely satisfy.

A permanent companion who will never leave me alone.
A reliable friend who will never disappoint and has all my trust.

He alone will walk with me for a lifetime. He not only knows everything about me, but also loves everything about me. All the good and the bad… He loves and cares for them all. He knows the depth of my tears and laughter. He understands every fiber of my being.

For so many years, I chased after man’s approval, to find out that I can never earn it, without putting on so many fake layers of who I am not and will never be. Once I surrendered those efforts at the foot of the cross, relationships did not become easier, but an indescribable peace covered them. The overwhelming anxiety I felt from fear of betrayal or the attacking thoughts of who dislikes me and won’t accept me have all disappeared. In its place I discovered a comforting space full of God’s love and friendship.

He extends the invitation to you: “will you entrust me with all your hurt, fears, and vulnerabilities and call me your Best Friend?”

Will you accept it?

Birthday gift from Jesus

I never cried so much on Christmas day.

He prepared me for it all this time and I had no idea.

Today, my family shared Christmas dinner with an old church friend-family who we’ve known since our immigration to the States back in 2001. Even when my parents stopped attending church few years ago and our home church split recently, they stood by us in support and love.

In the beginning of the month, the mother of this family (I call her Park Jipsanim) asked the Lord how she should spend Christmas. He told her to spend it with my family.

I thought it was just a meal. I thought it would just be casual conversations exchanged over good food. Then goodbyes.

God had something much better in store for the night. Like He always does.

The beginning was typical. Many hello’s and how are you’s… until somewhere along the conversation, Park Jipsanim asked me about college life.

All of the sudden, we were going around in circle sharing about what we’re thankful for in 2012 and what we hope for in 2013.

It turns out my dad has been attending church in the past months. He was not only attending church, but also listened to sermons in his spare time. He shared how he has so much more peace as burdens and weight were lifted off from him. He filed bankruptcy and closed down his 8+ year business few months ago. But right after, God provided him with a green card after 11 years of waiting. He then went to Korea. He visited the grave of his mother, who passed away few weeks before. And he got a new job soon after his return. It turns out that the boss rejected someone much younger than him to accept him. All his employees are 10+ years younger than him. He loves his job.

One word = God.

I started crying. I saw God’s hands all over him.
Though he may have not yet accepted God as the Lord over his life, God is doing an intentional thing in his heart.

For 2013, despite the pressures and difficulty, he wants to be consistent with his church attendance.

There were so much more that happened… I sat, listened and shared rest of the night overwhelmed with love, joy, thanksgiving, and repentance.

Park Jipsanim and I closed the night with prayer. Holy Spirit moved so powerfully and intimately through my lacking Korean.

When we got home, I heard my mom quietly lifting up prayers of thanksgiving to God.

Wow.

I honestly can’t remember the last time my family shared our hearts with one another. Just a month ago, I shed tears after coming back from thanksgiving break because I felt so empty and lonely in my own home.

In my few weeks at home this whole year, I would pray for Shekinah Glory to fall down in my family. But as God has been teaching me in my personal walk, He is showing me how he is not only a God of fire, but of gentle whisper… and how when I tune into that gentle whisper, the effect is greater than that of the all consuming fire.

He is breathing life into my family in this way. He is taking his time for a reason. He wants the healing and restoration process to be full and complete, so that He will be glorified.

God keeps reminding me that He will redeem my family.
God keeps telling me that I’m going to serve and advance His kingdom with my family.

God has his way of surprising his children. He gave me a gift today. On his birthday.
He swept me right back to the moment when He, in all His glory and splendor, knelt down down to wash His disciples’ feet.

Happy birthday, Jesus. And thank you.

Ever increasing

The recent changes of physical temperatures and internal seasons sparked a desire in my heart.

A desire for something new.
A desire to adventure anywhere but here.
A desire to step through unwalked doors and into unfamilar worlds.

I find these desires weighing me down instead of propelling me forward.
They overwhelm me about the future instead of motivating me in the present.

I must focus.

I need stability and confidence in what I have and do now.
I must be faithful in little to take on great things.

I ask for an increase of faith and of faithfulness.
A mind to see beyond the physical and to sow to reap much.

Hopeful anticipation

One day I’m a wreck. Another, I’m full of joy.

In the tumults of my mind is a quiet whisper… A reminder of God’s faithfulness, love, and reality.

I don’t have time to waste sulking and complaining. He commands: “give thanks in all circumstances.”

I must rise above and know that the Father enters his child into the fire willingly and lovingly.

A necessity to be refined and sanctified for His kingdom and above all to bear his likeness.

Meanwhile my focus shifts into the heart of the Father, not into his hands to see what He holds for me.

When hope is lost, I call You Saviour…
When pain surrounds, I call You Healer…
When silence falls, You’ll be the song within my heart…

“God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46:1-6, 10

Slowly but surely

Little by little, I’ve engaging in mini reflections of this year. 2012 took off like a rocket launch. New passions, revelations, and relationships all coming at once at incredible speed. All of a sudden, the rocket slowed down so deliberately that I thought I lost fuel. So I went to Him for more. But I came out feelings more empty and discouraged. I simply didn’t understand.

“Why? WHY GOD?”

I cried to Him daily in frustration. “I’m doing this and that. I’m hearing this and that…” But regardless of the external things, my heart wrung out blackness instead of life. Everytime I cry out, though, I would only receive an unknown smile from the above. The “I know what I am doing. I’m in control” kind of smile.

I’m thankfully exiting the confused season and entering into a new one. This one is unfamiliar and foreign. The only word that seems clear is “Wait. Hush, my child. Just wait.” From the repetitive call of Faith, I’m receiving two specific lessons.

1) True sanctification
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” – John 15:1-2

True sanctification is not deliverance from external idols in one Love encounter. It is a painfully long process where the Gardner and Tree engage until the Tree is tamed according to the desires of the Gardner. In order to be tamed, the Gardner must cut off every single branch that gets in the way of Him doing His will. He is doing that in my heart. It hurts so much that sometimes I just want to dwell in my sins and do whatever I want to do. But something always brings me back..

“Endure and you’ll taste freedom. You’ll know the longings of My heart and walk in divine victory and boldness.

Above all, I will know you and you will know Me.”

The length of the discipline is determined by my willingness to obey. How willing am I to be obedient? Even though it seems little, am I willing to believe this small act of obedience will lead me to my Calling, Dream, Purpose, and Intimacy?

2) True joy
The process of sanctification has enlightened me to the revelation of true joy. The believer’s joy should exude not from present praise reports, but from the realization of the cost of the Cross.

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2

Joy comes not from superficial happiness, but from a divine mindset that seeks the eternal over worldly and the spiritual over earthly.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” – 2 Corinthians 4:16

Joy comes from the realization of the privilege we have to partake in the sufferings of Christ in our daily lives. In the war against the Enemy and our own flesh.

“Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one… I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.” -John 17:11 & 13

Joy comes from the single knowledge of Christ’s love evident in His discipline.
“Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” – Proverbs 3:12

I sometimes feel like my life is not advancing. I feel like I’m running in circles. But God reminds me of all the answered prayer requests. God reminds of my present life of freedom opposed to my previous life of shackles and chains. I don’t feel anxious about certain things anymore. I don’t have appetite for certain things anymore. The list is endless. And in those liberating moments, I rejoice and proclaim:

My life is a living miracle day after day.

Passion, revived – 2

The Wall paralyzed me in fear, pride, and self-condemnation for months.

God planted a seed of Passion in my heart earlier this year:

“To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners”
– Isaiah 61:1

After a cycle of turmoil, I learned a lesson about the cost of this Passion. Our personal passion is the thrill and stirring of the heart that comes with an overwhelming desire to accomplish a God-given life mission. This purpose is not only connected to, but is our continuing of Christ’s passion on the cross. So it only makes sense when we experience extreme opposition from people, resources, and our own heart to become discouraged and even battered in our fervent pursuit towards its completion.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

For most of this year, I thrived in the knowledge of the Vision. It was however short-lived because the revelation of its parallel to Christ’s suffering was not yet real in my life. I found myself in a deep pit of isolation, pride, and self-criticism. Externally I was confident and strong, but underneath the layers, I was one messed up weakling grasped by the hold of the Enemy… until my recent liberating revelation of God’s grace and love.

“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.” – 1 John 3:20-21

Christianity is so simple. It’s about looking at the faint light in the midst of overwhelming darkness. As you go closer, you realize that light was actually all around you. You were just too far in darkness to see the light. When the revelation of light enters your heart, it begins to overflow like rivers around you… into people, environments, and situations. A beautiful cycle of Love contagion begins.

Though not completely, I’m surely and slowly experiencing this cycle of Life.

I also realize my present obedience is not in doing, but in sitting. My spiritual thriving in this time is not in being a Martha, but Mary. God has been trying to teach me this specific lesson for so long, but I would always ignored it, swamped in both new and old responsibilities. Now that God is stripping them off, the objective is clear. Honestly, my heart is not yet in complete rest because I’m so used to being busy.

But for now, I’m sure that my goal is to put my trust in my salvation and love others.

“And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.” – 1 John 3:23

Faith and love expands only though knowing the father in intimacy. It will become a lifestyle then I can finally “not [only] love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” – 1 John 3:18

Once I crumble my selfish ambitions, He transforms the remnants into something beautiful. Such beauty that is beyond human understanding becomes refreshing and exhilarating to the core of my soul.

In this firm foundation, my end is to praise and thank my Father, no credit due unto man or myself.

His love keeps me going. The road ahead of me is endless, but I never want to stop. As long as my root is God and Him only, my pursuit will eternally be unstoppable.

“Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble” – 1 John 2:10

Passion, revived – 1

Waking up from an overdue hibernation brings refreshing liberation.

When you are going by the motions of daily duties and conversations, you become unaware of the fading passion for the things to come until you hit a wall. A divide between you and God, made up of apathy and bitterness with foundation of selfishness and pride.

“But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth [for] such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” – James 3:14

The Word surely is “living and active… [as] it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” – Hebrews 4:12

The Living Bread opens the eyes of the blind walking towards the angel of Light and shifts him towards a path of repentance and restoration. By God’s grace, the individual can walk in newly found hope and freedom.

Only hope

I look around and see nothing to rest on. Chaos and unrest attack me from all sides. I have no shield or weapons, so vulnerable and weak. I almost taste death at the pit of my soul. All is against me. Even my own mind.

In the endless drowning into the below, I look up and see a surge of hope.
Though beaten and exhausted, my heart swells with reminders of His Love…

I will cling onto His promise to the point of death. I believe. I believe.

He WILL overcome the anguish of my soul. Because He calls me His daughter.

“Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”
– Psalm 37:3-7, 23-24